So You Didnt Want Me

Life is precious even mine
If it's a month old or nine
Your womb should be my heaven, Secure and safe
But you do not want me so you'll make it my dark grave

You made a mistake but why do I have to pay?
Why did you stop me from seeing the light of day?
I dream of growing up, kicking a ball
Studying, loving to you, handsome and tall
Why did you throw me away ?
Why didnt you want me?

I could have made you smile everytime I said mom
Make daddy come to school because I was troublesome
Were you scared that I'd cause too much mischief?
If that the case I'll behave, Please dont kill me...

Mommy I know you dont want to but you have to do this now
Your 17 you've got your life ahead and daddy doesnt know
Right now there is no place for me with you
Maybe next time you will want me too

I Gave Up

Pangs of darkness flowing inside me, I know something bad is on it's way.
The Raven came crying asking me not to reveal his message, It was too much a burden even for him.
I was broken half a decade ago and never got the chance to fix me and guess I will always be...
The guilt of a passing life that holds nothing but idiotic actions is all I have to show
I used to bring my hands together not for prayer but to beg a fictional character to ease my pain
Every plea left unheard
What's the use being arounf when all I remember is the sound of my heart being ripped apart and the loud silence of my tears fall on to my chest...
Every man for himself,
Every sad episode to be continued
I hate this energy around me.
Little am I aware that it's my own...
I know this time there is no one to save me
It's just me and my stupidity along with irresponsibility by my side
This time I will not let anyone lift me up only to have me pushed back down again
I am done with this
I give up
I will no longer have to feel stacked up negativiy ever again..
Drink up It's my last drink
Smoked my last cigarette,
Burned my last memory,
Kissed my brother good-bye
Left my parents a note
Ohh how I love them so
But I cannot take this any longer,
Sorry to dissapoint you once again mama
I'm so sorry to bring you this dada
Love you so much
But I hate this even more
I cant help it
I've hid this away too long it's ripping me apart from within
I'm bleeding
Red
Thick
Oozing liquid life
Oh how I hate you

Bottom Of A Bottle

Sparkling water,
Reflecting the beautiful moon,
Brings out the cruel doings of the day
A child weeps for her mother
While the man of the house bruises his wife...
Chilling screams
No one hears,
There's no aid to come...
Each night the terror walks in
An empty bottle tucked under...
Not a cent spared...
Three children and a wife to hold...
Promises broken...
Household belongings too
Wont any one help them?
Shez not moving cant you see?
The unfairness of man
How could he be my father??
Stinking of that firewater
He looks through the mouth of the bottle
And sees one drop left
wake up ammi, wake up...
He is looking at me....

Punished

It seems that when a good thing comes along something bad always counters it..
Cradle my innocence and hid it away from the world,
Put on my face each morning,
Packed up heart in a cardboard box,
Truth once seen in your eyes now lost forever,
Happy you seem to be away from me
I'll agree for this way we both win,
No reason for me to cry,
A broken wing once healed will fly one again....
I wish you luck, happiness in bundles...
My whole life i shall spend turning my heart to stone..
Caught up in my reflection cant recognise myself..
Dark eyes...
Pale white skin...
Pretend i shall that i'm happy for you but then die each day..
My punishment...
sentenced to eternity
As a broken heart....

Healing

When you finally forget about us
Which i see you already have
You will find me nowhere in sight
When you see that letting go is irreversable
I'll still be here
With a home n a life of my own...
I will still xchange words with you
Laugh at your jokes
But my heart newly invisible
Will no longer beat according to yours
No longer linked to your soul
My soul newly set free
Takena new reason to be happy
To be no longer
Attached to you
To finally see a diffrent way
To not be bound to you anymore
Never
to be held by you again...

Have You Ever?

Have you ever lived each day regretting ever awakening?
Ever felt your heart get heavier with evry heartbeat?
Ever lied to keep someone in love with you
Thinking they loved you for that?
Ever let your imagination run wild with the thought
Of his soft lips touching her's?
Holding her in his sweet embrace?
Him feeling her everybreath on his chest...
As her fingers touch his face
And look into this eyes the same way he used to look at you?
Ever had you eyes freeze everytime you his picture
With her beside him....
Ever got rid of all the things he gave you
Only to have him still linger in your thoughts?
Ever stopped listning to love songs coz it only hurts you to remember what you had?
So you end up cryin
And pretend to the world like your fine
Ever tried as much as you can to think of someone else only to fail at it terribly?
Many failed attempts to heal a broken heart...
But seems like hes sunk into your soul...
He has found sopmeone else but he still lingers in your memory...
Stupid acts of a 16 year old...

Ever broken your own heart unknowingly...
And then pretended its not there anymore
Hate yourself for loosing him
Hated your own reflection that you dont look in the mirror anymore...
Driven yourself to insanity
And fallen into a state of utter depression
Stopped feeling your heart anymore
Long to say you love him although he wont listen to you...
Sorry that he doesnt want you back that he doest love you anymore..
Felt helpless without him because you dont want to talk to anyone else...
Well thats the most horrible way to feel..
But evryone does so once in their life
But time heals later dan sooner
Patience becomes your friend
.......

An Old Lover's Dilemma

The most bitter words
Said by a friend
The most bitter silence
She will keep to her end
"She is happy with whom
I should be" says she
"All he tells her
She tells me"
This torture
Tears my heart each day
never healing wounds
Split open everyday
Oh how she cares for them both so
Therefore she has to let him go
Every second of her life spend she will
To forget him, And the hurt she's in
For she loves them both
And they are happy
Here is a toast
To a new dead me....

Broken For The Worst

Fighting with all that i have to stop myself destroy myself. Every time I try to close a pin just seconds later I find a reason to keep it open. Just for emergencies. It's scary because even knowing the dangers I still find it my only vice. For four years now it's been a habit of mine only known by my closest associates and to them it no longer exists but now it's worse than before. And this time I am afraid it will defeneatly take the best of me

Permanent Tattoo

Four years of pushing away something that had taken root so deep into my heart just came gushing through when the block was removed. Now there is nothing stopping the pain and past bitter sweet memories from flowing freely in my head. I feel it moving in my veins and just numbing my whole body. It's just sickening me to the bone. Making me hate myself even more!!! He was mine!!! He still is mine in my head!!! But in reality he is mine no more!!! I should be thinking of the blocker but NO i find myself being pushed towards my old heart even more harder than before. I kept telling myself there still was a chance that i could be whole again but how could I? She is beside him. Taking in his every breath, every cry and tear. He is there holding her hand, grabbing her waist, putting his arms around her and making her feel warm. It's been so for the past year or so. And even with all that i cant let go. I feel myself slowly dissapear into a dark corner of my world again but this time for sure i know i will not rise again like i did before. Let go of my heart before I forget how to love another, Let go of my memories before I forget to remember another please let go of my soul before I forget how to give myself to another. For even now i have already forgotten. How i long for those arms to hold me, for those eyes to look to feel his presence once more. I need to hear his voice say those words again to me or just even whisper my name. Those arms to wrap around me to make me feel warm again. For his hand to hold mine to tell me he wont let me fall for those hands just to hold mine for a while. Those eyes to look in to mine and let me know that he cares. For those eyes to tattoo my already soul. I need to feel his warm breath breathing down on me.
Taboo to love one who is not of your own kind and taboo on taboo to tattoo. I cannot help what my heart feels it's the one that bore it all. It sketched the design and gave the ink but he took the needle and pierced my soul and slowly tattooed the design that would never be erased. Never have i still found a stronger love even to pretend. I feel i never will find a stronger love to erase that tattoo away. It makes no sense to passers by some may laugh others may cry and still I don't mind showing people my tattooed soul. The scars of the tattoo are fresh still they never seem to heal if only the skin gets more red by the minute tattooing more details. It' scary how it's still alive even after all these years and there should be a reason why it wont subside.You can kiss her this life my love for some other life you will be mine again and will NOT let you slip again.

Blinded

Everyone makes mistakes. Some learn form it and some keep making the same mistakes over and over again. And then there are some who make the same mistake a million times and then learn from it when its kind of too late, Either way were all human and we all make mistakes. Then there are are some people with a good memory for the mistakes that people make and it just doesnt get outta their system for a long time. It's saddening because those people can never move on and they will be forever stuck in the past and keep tormenting themselves and others around them. I guess you never know untill you're too into it. It's crazy because sometimes ones feelings for someone blinds the most obvious facts untill someone from the outside points it out.

Too late

Cunting the days
Towards the day I meet my love,
I lay on the floor
Sweaty clothes clinging to her like a glove,
What have I done?
What explanation do I have?
For when my love comes to know how she is lying next to me now
No barriers.
A tear filed with guilt
Rolls down
Drenched with the sweat of another,
A act of weakness
Or loneliness it seemed
As I commit another sin
Oh how i want to turn back time
Why did I give into this?
The smell of pleasure
Mixed with pangs of guilt
Lay beside me now she is asleep
I dare wake her not
I dare not touch her again,
She keeps me warm for now,
A cruel satisfaction,
A dirty price to pay,
As I cry myself to sleep
All I want to is cry.
I see the shower and I know ten wont wash the guilt away,
Hope my love won't find
Or my fate would be sealed
As I lay myself to rest for tonight
I promise myself this was the last
I'll try to forget but tomorrow I'll see my love and hug her tight and lay with her as I do now.

Ruler

Smile when you want me to
Silenced when you talk
Kneel when you order me
Right behind you i have to walk

Emotionless and lost
Unrecognisable my own face to me.
For less better than worse
You keep drowning me in your sea.

I knew no comfort, I feel no pain
Disconnected are my nerves,
I know I'm slowly going breaking
But you told me that's what I deserve.

I thought you said you love me
Every time our lips touch
Now I feel you've taken over me.
And I don't know me much.

I gave up my own smile the moment i let you in
My likes, talents, freedom and every thing in between
What I didn't know is how much I'd hate myself so
For something I caused myself

My past became your present
What an unexpected gift it is
Your new hobby came an obsession
And now myself i miss

You were supposed to be my lover
Now swallow my aughter
Where is the girl i used to see in the mirror?
When did you become the ruler of me?

He Depended

The haunting sound of fear hanging around my tormented soul
The frequent sound of a spirit crashing been dragged into a death roll
As the ropes tighten
Her breath starts to quicken
and her light slowly escapes
The light of his life, the only reason he lived for
Was being tortured unmercifully and he didnt even know
Why she died
The rules don't abide
He never knew the monster she hid
Her beauty was fatal but only for that he loved her not
She had the love, care and devotion that he always sougth
Can this be fair?
He still needs her care
He feels her hair for the very first time
Kises her soft lips and hold her hand
My beautiful,
My sweet,
Why??
As he looks at her bruised but still beautifully glowing skin
He pays attention to the horrorfing thougth in his fragile mind wihtin
She's gone
The only one
He looks around and finally sees his doorway to her through the dar sun
He crawl up to it looks it in the eye and BANG!
He found a gun...

Ironic

When people are depressed and what not they come up with alot of creative things dark as most as them are its often more entertaining than flowers and rainbows and what not. but isnt it funny that when it comes to their final stages of suicidal craziness they completely turn into mere mortals and they leave their creativity behind? lol they almost always go the most common way lol

Valentine's Day, Are You Serious??

There is no reason to really celebrate valentine's day if all you do is fight the rest of the year. Being nice to each other just because all the other couples are lovey dovey doesn't really mean anything it just means that you just being a part of a very commercial day of the year made up to draw teenagers and adults alike to buy things for people they love and for the shopkeepers to make a little extra bucks so that they could take home a nice dinner. It's funny how somewhere in the third week of January every year the colours red & pink start getting on even your most patient nerve. Little pink and red hearts hanging from everything starting form branches of trees to the roofs of even the little pastry shops keep reminding everyone about the sickeningly sweet memories of valentine's that everyone will probably even unknowingly be participating in the next days to come. Well even though it's quite fun to receive a rose or two and a few chocolates or whatever the traditional V'day gift is it does not make up for all the cursing and misunderstanding that was carried out the rest of the year. Its almost hateful to the ones witnessing messy relationships to see them break up and then get back together again only to break up and make up a several hundred times. And no matter how obvious the incompatibilities are to the world around them the two involved in the relationship see nothing wrong until it's too late or until the bruises are too visible ignore so that someone else has to intervene. It's saddening to see people breakdown because they were too blind to see how ugly it could get at the start itself. Well my valentine's is no dream come true but to all who actually had a good time good for you and a post Happy Valentine's Day.